Let’s Talk about Kirby

Not this Kirby

But THIS Kirby.

So my friend Rockstar got visited by a Kirby salesman, and when she was asked for contacts for potential sales, my name was given. She feels guilty about this, but I have no issue with this.

So a gay friend of mine told me a great joke. It goes: “Every man has a gay trait. Some men like buying stuff for their kitchen. Some like fancy outfits. Some like show tunes. Others like to have sex with men!”

For me it’s Vacuums. I have a really nice Dyson, and I LOVE using it. Also my dearly departed Aunt got conned into buying one of these overpriced vacuums, and my Mom got called for one of these sales pitches, and given that you get a rug cleaned for free, she agreed, then told the salesman to fuck off.

So yeah, when I got called I scheduled an appointment for today because my daughter had tracked blackberries all over the rug.

Another back story, I used to work for Cutco Knives, their products are overpriced shit, and their sales methods are entirely guilt based. It’s one thing to walk into a Target, see some expensive junk and NOT BUY IT, it’s a different thing when somebody comes to your home, and pressures you into a sale.

So given that I used to have one of these horrible jobs, I greeted the salesman by asking him how he was compensated. Of course he gets a commission for every sale he does, but he also gets paid for referrals. I’ll get to this later. At Cutco I was paid to give the sales pitch, and commission for every sale over a certain dollar amount.

Now oddly he asked me twice if I’d heard of the Kirby product, and I told him I was aware of the product, and I knew people with Kirby Vacuums. He never followed up with asking me what my opinion of their product was.

So when he asked me to get out my Dyson, I told him it wasn’t necessary. He insisted, and I gave him the option to leave then. When he asked why I didn’t want him to show my all the claptrap of of how my awesome vacuum wasn’t as good as his junk, I told him his product was crap, and all I wanted was for him to clean my rug, get some contacts, and leave.

He was nice enough at this point to dispense with the propaganda and clean my rug, and I wrote up some contacts, which were mostly a repeat of Rockstar’s contacts, and my cell number under the alias “Thomas Collins“.

He finished, and asked me how many names I had. I had written down 6. He THEN informed me that he needed at LEAST 10 to get paid. I should have simply torn up the list, but I wasn’t planning on raping this guy.

He asked me to just come up with 4 more names, even if they weren’t people who would buy from him. I informed him that all the people listed were people I KNEW wouldn’t buy this crappy vacuum, and I didn’t dare give him a contact that might result in a sale. He responded “You hate this product THAT much”.

Well let’s get to the results. He shampooed my rug….and it did a worse job than just a regular run of my Dyson…and it used chemicals and the rug needed to dry.

So yeah, if you get called by one of these scammers, unless you have a REALLY crappy vacuum tell them to GO AWAY. Seriously, even the free cleaning with total stonewalling isn’t worth it.

Also note that this unit costs TWICE as much as my Dyson at full retail price (I got mine on sale), so yeah the Kirby is TERRIBLE.

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9 Responses to Let’s Talk about Kirby

  1. C. S. P. Schofield says:

    I believe it was H. Allen Smith who proposed the Law that “If nobody uses it, there’s a reason.”

    • Weerd Beard says:

      That’s exactly why I own a Dyson. They’re funny looking, use stupid bright colors and cost a FORTUNE, so I assumed they were designer junk.

      Then a few bloggers blegged for vacuum advice when their old unit died…and across the board from a wide range of readers the answer was “Dyson”.

      Yep they were right.

  2. Jake says:

    So, you’re saying that Kirby vacuum cleaners, don’t suck? [rimshot]


  3. Pat says:

    i won’t let these type of salesmen in my house.
    I had one show up for a carpet cleaning I didn’t even agree too.

    I figure at least 1/2 are scouting out places their friends can come back and hit later.

    • Weerd Beard says:

      Certainly wasn’t the case here. #1 I knew everything that was going to happen, and pointed out the rug I wanted cleaned. #2 He never entered a location in my house you couldn’t easily see from the public sidewalk.

  4. Thirdpower says:

    I worked as a vacuum salesthing for exactly 2 days. Filterqueen specifically. They did exactly the same kind of nonsense w/ high pressure sales and wordgames. My sister was nice enough to let me do a ‘demonstration’ but when the supervisor on the phone started making disparaging comments about why she wouldn’t buy, I quit on the spot.

    The stupid thing is is that the vacuum is phenomenal but nowhere near worth what they are selling for w/ this outdated method. They could make tons more selling it retail at a cost comparable to other high-end vacuums.

    • Weerd Beard says:

      I worked for Cutco for maybe a month. I eventually dropped their high-pressure bullshit script and just started telling people that they didn’t need to buy any knives for me, showing them the knives, and then leaving and collecting my payment for making a presentation.

      When my Boss caught wind of this I got called into her shitty office and she reprimanded across her particle board desk while I sat in a cheap folding chair (cutco is totally a boiler room operation), and told me I needed to stick to the script or I would no longer get paid for my presentations. So I quit right there, and she seemed genuinely surprised as I walked out. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by that, as most of the employees are college students home on summer break, so I assume most employees just suck it up until they go back to school.

  5. Wally says:

    I have no dog in the fight other than saying that I hate high not just high pressure but all salesmen, nobody is welcome on my property, and I inherited a Kirby with all the fixins.

    The Kirby is the best vacuum I’ve ever used.

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